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100% accurate second half predictions for Cowboys

Why wait for the second half to see how the Dallas Cowboys perform when we’ve got perfectly factual predictions right here?
Credit: AP
Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Michael Gallup (13) stays in bounds as he flips over the goal line to score a touchdown against the New York Giants during the fourth quarter of an NFL football game, Monday, Nov. 4, 2019, in East Rutherford, N.J. (AP Photo/Adam Hunger)


After starting 2019 on a three-game winning streak, Libra SZN sent the Dallas Cowboys through a rough patch. The Boys lost consecutive games to a New Orleans Saints team without Drew Brees, another to their daddy Aaron “A-Aron” Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers, and lastly to Sam “Hank Hill” Darnold and the New York Jets. 

Just as the vultures started to come back and circle around Jason Garrett’s headset, the Cowboys rattled off back-to-back division wins against Philadelphia and New York to reach the halfway mark atop the NFC East.

Mercury’s in Gatorade, so the second half can go all sorts of ways. What can we expect for the remainder of this season? 

As always, all predictions in this column are unbiased and 100% correct.

Nov. 10 vs. Minnesota Vikings:

Kirk Cousins, feeling the pressure of losing big prime-time games pretty often, will try and steal the limelight on Sunday Night Football with the debut of a new taunt. Tank Lawrence’s Hot Boyz necklace outline is permanently imprinted onto Cousin’s jersey two snaps into the game. He does not like that.

Wanting to clear up misconceptions from an interview where he declared his displeasure with kitties after the win against the Giants, Lawrence brings it to the podium for a shared press conference to clear the air. “Some of my best friends are cats,” Lawrence tells the gathered media.

The Cowboys are 6-3.

Nov. 17 at Detroit Lions:

Matt Stafford, oozing hometown pride and unable to contain it any longer, reveals in a pre-game interview that all his “Detroit” gear featuring a Big D has actually been knockoff Dallas merchandise the whole time, available for purchase at your local DFW gas stations. This does not go over well in the Lions locker room, leading to a Cowboys blowout.

The Cowboys are 7-3.

Nov. 24 at New England Patriots

Looking to top his famous dive from his Thanksgiving debut a few years back, Ezekiel Elliott will run in a score and hand Pat Patriot some coupons for a local massage parlor. Nevertheless, the Cowboys don’t find paydirt often enough and drop their first game since their last matchup against an AFC East team.

The Cowboys are 7-4.

Nov. 28 vs. Buffalo Bills

Cole Beasley will release a Cowboys “diss track” at the beginning of the week which Cowboys management tries to transcribe then post on the whiteboard for motivation. The team is unaware of the material until after the game. Focused on the task at hand, Dallas ends their season against AFC East teams 2-2 after a Thanksgiving victory.

The Cowboys are 8-4.

Dec. 5 at Chicago Bears

As part of the Bears centennial celebration, the Cowboys use this as their “theme road trip”, going all out in 1920’s regalia. The Cowboys rout the Bears, and quarterback Dak Prescott attributes his four touchdowns in a single game to his use of an in-game monocle, which he continues to use into retirement.

The Cowboys are 9-4.

Dec. 15 vs Los Angeles Rams

After a Dallas loss to Wade Phillips’ Rams defense, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones announces he is moving the Chargers to London, gives a lil’ smile as he throws a Cowboys jersey at Aaron Donald, and stares the room down as he walks out, leaving the podium after knocking it over with a huge kick.

The Cowboys are 9-5.

Dec. 22 at Philadelphia Eagles

The Cowboys face the birds in a matchup for a playoff spot, which they win after a chicken runs onto the field and interferes in a crucial fourth-quarter moment. The curious scene shifts the game momentum, knocking Philly into the wild card hunt and cementing the Cowboys as NFC East champions. 

The offensive line, still on one from celebrating the division title the night before, somehow adopts the poultry in the late morning before flying back to Dallas with their teammates. 

The Cowboys are 10-5.

Dec. 29 vs the team from Washington

A returning Dez Bryant catches a touchdown pass over defensive back Josh Norman, cementing his reemergence from injury in an emotional season-ending win, and ending another downer of a year for Washington. The visiting fans in attendance, still ecstatic over Walgreens’ first championship, cap the night off with the baby shark dance while they wait for their $100 ride-share back to Dallas.

The Cowboys finish 11-5.

Dec. 30

Feeling real good as the Cowboys prepare for a playoff matchup and, after seeing the press that the Mavericks received with honoring Dirk Nowitzki, Jerry Jones buys and renames all the remaining streets in the DFW after himself, leading to mass confusion.

Dec. 31

At the return of Big D NYE at Victory Plaza, the Cowboys close 2019 out with the announcement of a seven-year deal with Head Coach Jason Garrett as the clock strikes midnight.

January 2020 NFC Wild Card Weekend 

The 2019 NFC East Champion Dallas Cowboys are unlucky enough to head on the road for the Wild Card round as they face the Seattle Seahawks at CenturyLink Field. The Week 6 loss to the Jets looms large. After a hard-fought game between two dueling MVP candidate QBs in Prescott and Russell Wilson that goes back and forth for three quarters, Dallas loses it late, falling to Seattle 31-21. 

The Cowboys are eliminated from playoff contention and Jason Garrett’s playoff record goes to 2-4, extending his own record as longest-tenured head coach in the National Football League without a Super Bowl victory. 

Would you be happy with how Dallas’ season goes if it happened this way? Make your predictions on how the Cowboys will do in the second half with Irvin on Twitter @Twittirv.