This week takes us to Paris, which means the whole cast of women is required to speak generic phrases in offensively bad French. The first is the group yelling, “Bonjour, Arie!” (translation: “Hello, Arie!” ...I knew my eight years of French classes would pay off someday) but Arie is nowhere near them.
However, any place is a good one to say "au revoir" to Krystal, this season's most unbearable contestant. That's what happens, as she finally comes crashing down from her pedestal.
Let's do this!
We’ll break the chronological norm this week because Krystal’s departure is not only the main storyline, but reason for celebration.
Her fate came on the infamous two-on-one date, a ridiculous concept created by this show in which two people are forced to simultaneously go on a date with Arie and we’re supposed to pretend that’s anything even close to a normal situation.
She’s matched up with Kendall, the goofy, taxidermy-loving contestant who is a dark horse for Arie’s heart. They go to a maze, because getting lost while looking for your date is a great way to fall in love.
Arie is rocking a serious makeup line for this date, but it doesn’t seem to bother the girls.
He says the two-on-one date is Krystal’s “last chance” after she threw a tantrum over a bowling competition last week. Krystal uses a bunch of clichés about love in a feeble attempt to sound like an emotionally complex person, talking about “the color and texture and depth of their relationship.”
Just after establishing that their relationship is some sort of refurbished shelving unit, she trashes Kendall to Arie, saying she isn’t sure why Kendall is there and claiming she’s incapable of knowing love when she sees it. And while these claims are quite possibly valid, bad-mouthing another girl is not the way to prove your belief in the color, texture or depth or your relationship.
Because everyone on this show is an eighth-grader at heart, Arie turns around and tells Kendall what Krystal said about her. Kendall is not pumped about this, but also unfazed, and handles it pretty well. She proceeds to calmly psychoanalyze Krystal like an absolute boss, calling her out for saying hurtful things about others when she’s backed into a corner.
In a fitting response, Krystal says “I have no words.”
Arie procrastinates the decision to dinner time so he can leave Krystal alone at the table as he whisks taxidermy girl away to the Eiffel Tower. A stiff breeze blows in the night sky, which I believe was the whoopie cushion that is Krystal's ego finally deflating hilariously.
We now resume our regular programming with a recap of Lauren B.’s one-on-one date that starts off the episode. The two of them take a sightseeing walk through Paris and ABC wants us to believe they don’t talk to each other at all. The daytime portion of the date is the just two of them walking around, Arie pointing at things and Lauren saying, “wow” while a foreboding stock music track plays in the background.
At dinner, she finally opens up and tells Arie she has a habit of putting guys in the “friend zone” for six months. Arie shares a story about his ex getting pregnant with his child and leaving him after losing the baby. Lauren shares a story about being engaged to an ex. Neither is shown truly acknowledging the other’s deeply personal account, and I’m just really hoping it’s a case of poor editing.
The dinner conversation marks a real turnaround for Lauren, the last of several Dallas natives competing this season, and she gets a rose.
For the group date, Arie takes the girls to the Moulin Rouge to take part in a cabaret show. You know, since making girls prance around in scanty clothing is a great way to judge character and is not at all demeaning to the women.
ABC is pretty aggressive with the censorship bars, making the date look even more inappropriate than it really was.
Bekah M., the 22-year-old contestant who was reported missing while filming the season, gets the group date rose and a chance to perform onstage with Arie while the other girls watch.
Broken down car
Bad-boy race car driver Arie chooses Jacqueline for the final one-on-one date of the week, and picks her up in a vintage convertible sports car. Said sports car breaks down after a roughly 100-foot drive from the girls’ yacht. Arie tries his best (and fails) at looking manly while trying to fix the car. It works on Jacqueline.
“It's hot when guys who know things about things do things about things,” she says, fawning over him despite the fact that he accomplished nothing and they had to take cabs the rest of the day.
Arie takes her shopping because he likes to buy girls’ affection. Falling well short of Becca’s multi-thousand-dollar haul from the first date of the season, Jacqueline scores just one basic-looking black dress.
He tells her at dinner he thought she was “too intelligent” for him. I agree, as anyone with a functioning brain wouldn’t have taken six weeks to rid themselves of Krystal.
Jacqueline divulges that she has six years of school left to get her PhD. Despite coming to the mutual conclusion that their lives are probably headed in different directions, he gives her a rose. She cries, because she’s sold on the idea that he’s the man of her dreams after one date. One.