Week 7 of The Bachelor takes us to Tuscany, Italy, so you know going into it that there will be a borderline-uncomfortable amount of Italian stereotypes. We see an out-of-left-field profession of love, I learn how simple pasta really is, and, naturally, a lot of tears.
The episode starts with a long diatribe from the entire cast about how high the stakes are, as there are seven girls left and the survivors get to take Arie home to their families.
A date card comes, and someone blurts out a cuss word as if they didn’t expect any dates to happen this week.
Becca K. gets the first one-on-one date – her second of the season – and everything is peaches and cream. She says it’s so natural being with her “boyfriend” and that Arie is “easy to travel with.”
Seeing that her two dates have consisted of Arie buying her a boatload of designer shoes and clothes in L.A. and making out in front of an Italian sunset, with ABC planning everything along the way, I’d say he’s been pretty easy to travel with.
Arie fuels the infatuation by telling her he’s falling for her and gives her a rose.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Jacqueline is coming to the realization that she’s too rational of a thinker for this show (we'll omit here the fact that she almost drank her own urine just a couple weeks ago). She says she can’t “visualize” a real relationship with Arie – not a surprise after only six weeks and one date.
I’ll summarize the conversation in layman’s terms: “Hey, thanks for the free flight to Tuscany, but I’m gonna head out. Oh and I’m also taking some of your wine.”
In true Bachelor break-up fashion, they make out, and Jacqueline rides off into the metaphorical sunset, second-guessing herself on the way out.
Lauren B. gets her second one-on-one date in as many weeks, and a chance to redeem herself after what appeared to be an incredibly awkward date in Paris.
Arie stands up on his bike, and I have to admit I’m impressed. Then, because it’s a group of deep thinkers that put this show together, Arie and Lauren get gelato and pizza on their Italian date.
It’s at this point that I’m up getting something out of the fridge and the pesto falls out, spilling across the kitchen floor. It takes a few minutes to clean up, so I miss most of the rest of Arie and Lauren’s daytime date.
At dinner, Lauren – speaking more words than we’ve heard all season – says she’s falling in love with Arie. I’m glad I got the pesto cleaned up in time to see his bizarre reaction.
He says “I just need a minute,” and gets up to pace around on the balcony of their dinner venue. Maybe he needed a bathroom break, or maybe he needed to go ask the producers what to do. We may never know. Either way, it’s awkward, and Lauren – along with the millions watching – thinks her time is coming to an end.
But when he comes back to the table, he throws Bachelor Nation for a loop and tells her how happy he is that she said she’s falling for him, then says he’s “falling so deeply in love” with her and gives her a rose.
Pysch, Bachelor fans. Psych.
Eggs and flour
Seinne gets the only one-on-one date that required any thought at all, as the two go searching for truffles in the rolling hill country. Naturally, Seinne wears some sort of lace bodysuit cut all the way down the middle for their outdoorsy hiking date.
The couple meets a truffle hunter named Giulio, who takes them to have a meal with a large group that appears to be his family. They make pasta, which I learn is just eggs and flour baked together. This may be common knowledge, but it blows my mind.
They make pizza and eat lunch with Giulio’s jovial bunch. They kiss a few times. I miss anything else of significance because I’m thinking about making my own pasta with the eggs and flour that are literally in my apartment as we speak.
They talk about where their relationship is at dinner. ABC edits together a few cringeworthy series of awkward silence and self-conscious laughter. It all ends with Arie concluding he doesn’t have as deep of feelings for her as he does for the others, and she’s sent packing.
Petty and a heartbreaker
Bekah M. is wearing a very Mr. Rogers-esque outfit at the hotel when the three remaining women learn about the group date. On said group date, she’s changed into a more Sound-of-Music getup.
It’s Bekah, Tia and Kendall on the group date, which seems to pretty much consist of walking around and sitting and talking.
Tia takes her allotted time with Arie to say, “I don’t want to be petty” and diving into – you guessed it – the pettiest of complaints about 22-year-old Bekah, surmising that she isn’t taking it seriously enough to still be around.
She returns to the group hangout spot and basically says, “Hey Bekah I just want you to know I sandbagged you back there but we’re cool right?”
Bekah bursts into tears and goes to cry on Arie’s shoulder, making him look more like her dad than her boyfriend.
Kendall gets a rose in the afternoon, pitting Tia and Bekah against each other in what is essentially now a two-on-one date. Tia doubles down on her Bekah rant, justifying it by saying it’s hard to be surrounded by other women dating the same dude (a concept she should be accustomed to by now). Bekah does her signature “snuggle and try to sound super introspective about love” move with Arie. They make out heavily, but he ultimately makes the decision he should’ve made three weeks ago and sends her home because it turns out 36-year-olds and 22-year-olds are very seldom at the same place in life.
So the slate is set for hometown dates. We’ll head to Weiner, Arkansas with Tia, where I anticipate a few too many wiener puns. We’ll go to Minneapolis with Becca K., southern California with Kendall and Dallas will get some national airtime for Lauren’s hometown.
From the looks of the preview, Arie gets at least two death threats from protective fathers. Should be a blast!