Week 5 of Arie’s race for relevance was packed with action: Temper tantrums, gator sightings, bowling, and a whole lot of Krystal showing that she has no sense of self-awareness or respect for societal norms. Or, during Bachelor season, it was a typical Monday night!

On a dreamboat

Chelsea, who was the villain for like eight minutes in Week 1 before Krystal began her reign of terror, gets the first one-on-one date. They go boating and make out on jet skis, because what else do you do in Fort Lauderdale?

The perfunctory one-liner comes early and with extra cheese: “I’m on a dreamboat, and I’m with a dreamboat.”

Ahsadgiureunh oykwmy ahm 1j9yym.

⬆️ Oh sorry about that, I barfed on my keyboard.

Chelsea shares a story about her ex, because everyone on this show has to reveal personal details about past relationships. The abridged edition goes like this: Chelsea was dating a rich guy for seven years before he left her with their six-month-old child.

She talks about how she was left pretty poor, so she appreciates Arie for him, not for the expensive dates (like the yacht they cruised around in this week). Arie was probably bummed by this news, because he’s already developed a tendency to want to buy girls’ affection.

Whaddaya know, Krystal’s feelings are hurt

For the group date, Arie and the girls head to a bowling alley, because when you’re on vacation in Florida why do anything outside when you can spend time in a germ-infested box, wearing other people’s sweaty shoes and rolling a ball over and over.

Arie he pits the women against each other in a competition for an invite to an “after party” to get more time with him -- a plan that’s sure to end well. Krystal says she’s done fighting for Arie’s time and that he needs to “give her validation,” proving that she doesn’t understand how this works. She then prays to her dogs hoping for a win, and it works. Team Blue gets the W, but Arie changes his mind and invites all the girls to the after party.

This wildly offends Krystal, who labels Arie a liar and allegedly goes back to her room to pack her bags and pout, rather than going to the party. “He didn’t consult us,” she says, furthering the notion that she really doesn’t understand how this works.

Arie has no backbone, so he decides to “go check on her” and feed her ego. In case you needed any proof that the show is scripted, Krystal’s hotel room door is propped open when he gets there -- something that pouty twenty-something girls in bathrobes don’t tend to do.


Arie tells her to stay in the hotel room all night instead of going to the after party. She disobeys.

Kendall tells Arie that this process is “forcing her to take it slow,” because going from stranger to fiancée in 10 weeks is such a sluggish pace. Arie says he likes Kendall because she’s “analytical,” and my wife drops the quote of the night: “Analytical?!” she exclaims, “what, is she doing spreadsheets for you or something?”

Becca K. tells Arie she wants to “ask him everything.” He replies with “kiss the hell out of me,” because real conversation is a no-no in Bachelor land.

Three and a half minutes was too much time without Krystal in the spotlight, so she gets dressed up and goes to the party. I hate it, but I also love it because 22-year-old Bekah hits her with a logic bomb that embarrasses her and she goes back to her room without much further incident.

Lauren B. gets a chance to talk one-on-one with Arie, and uses it to prove she doesn’t understand how the game “20 questions” works. She thinks it just means asking 21 questions about the other person, and that person asking them back. It was riveting television.

Froggin' and racin'

Tia gets the one-on-one date, and Arie chooses another stereotypically redneck activity to emphasize that she’s from Weiner, Arkansas. In an otherwise relatively uneventful date airboating on the everglades, the two see an alligator, and Arie says it’s “a reminder that love is scary.” I narrowly avoided my keyboard with the projectile vomit.

We learn that Tia is a doctor (mad props Tia) and we get an extensive lesson on gigging frogs. Arie talks about his racing career as if anyone cares.

At dinner, Arie and Tia actually have somewhat of a serious conversation -- a rarity for the show. Arie says he questions the existence of a god because he’s lost a lot of friends in his sport. Tia rolls with it despite having a stronger belief.

She tells him her taste in guys is “not good, obviously,” moments before telling him she’s falling in love with him. If you don’t know after four-and-a-half conversations, you’ve got problems, guys.

Imaginary glitter

Kendall pulls Arie aside for a one-on-one chat, and has her own twisted version of Lauren B’s 21 questions game. In Kendall’s version, the first question is, basically, “would you eat human flesh?”

He says not unless it was life-of-death, and Kendall’s all like “I’d totally eat flesh. It’s a curiosity thing.” She proceeds to tell him she’d eat him. GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN ARIE.

Krystal so generously gives some of the girls a chance to talk to her. It doesn’t go well. She defaults to saying she’s better than everyone else and throws imaginary glitter.

Arie looks for five seconds like he might have a shred of self-respect when he tells Krystal he’s not happy with the temper tantrum she threw publicly just hours before. He loses any respect he’d gained by giving her the last rose at the rose ceremony -- again.

I have words for Arie that I can’t transcribe here on this family-friendly site, so I’ll leave you with a funny tweet from former Bachelor Nick Viall.