Because we can't have nice things, week 4 of Arie's race for relevance is narrated almost entirely by Krystal, this season's villain with a voice that makes nails on a chalkboard sound like Ed Sheeran's rendition of Perfect featuring Andrea Bocelli*.
This week takes us to Lake Tahoe, where one girl almost drinks her own pee, hot spring drama and a big reveal of the age gap between 36-year-old Arie and 22-year-old Bekah M.
Here we go!
The episode starts with Krystal saying she’ll be the “voice of reason,” so we know right off the bat that the next two hours will be just insufferable.
The girls arrive at the cabin in South Lake Tahoe, where Kendall swoons over the taxidermy on the walls.
Seinne gets the first one-on-one date. Naturally, the other girls use binoculars from the cabin balcony to spot her and Arie parasailing, because spying on your man with another girl is a prerequisite to true love.
Arie and Seinne engage in the perfunctory small talk about family and relationships during an uneventful daytime date.
At the house, Maquel gets a phone call telling her that her grandfather passed away, and she packs up to go home. ABC edits it together to make it look like she leaves without saying a word to anyone.
At dinner, Seinne takes a deep dive into how women of color didn’t see fairy tale stories about “girls that look like her” -- Disney didn’t have a black princess until 2009 with The Princess and the Frog -- and Arie seems to dig the perspective.
They get another C-list musician to play a song for them Ahem, I mean “great musician LANCO beautifully serenades them” because my wife really likes the song.
They dance awkwardly into a commercial break.
Worms and urine
All the girls dress the same for a group date in the wilderness.
Forgetting that Bear Grylls isn’t a contestant vying for his heart, Arie apparently has all the girls pee in bottles for “survival training.” He pretends to drink his own urine before telling the girls it was actually apple juice. Jacqueline almost drinks her bottle before the warning.
By the way: Yes, this all really happened. Ugh.
Then they eat worms and taxidermy girl is all-in on. She later proclaims eating a bunch of worms is something “she’s always wanted to do.”
Krystal sulks in the background while the others jovially watch Arie snack on slimy invertebrates. She reveals that it’s because she’s “above it.”
The group goes on what is made to look like a treacherous hike through the mountainous terrain and end up at a hot spring. Arie puts his arm around Krystal, and Tia and Caroline shrewdly mock them to get under Krystal’s skin.
Arie and Kendall bond over a taxidermy duck she allegedly brought with her on the trip to Tahoe. She calls the dead duck a “great traveler” and tells Arie she’ll bring it to the rose ceremony. I now can’t wait for the rose ceremony.
Krystal, who spent most of the episode on a pedestal talking about how much better she is than everyone, uses her one-on-one time with Arie to talk about how difficult the process is -- yawn. She then pulls Tia and Caroline aside to tell them “my feelings felt hurt” in the hot tub. Caroline says “take your lips off his a**” and I love it.
Bekah M., this season’s Betty Boop who has been winning the flirtation game for three weeks, get the second one-on-one date of the season: A horseback riding adventure to a hot tub overlooking the lake.
Meanwhile, all the girls are at the house pontificating about whether Bekah will tell Arie how old she is, constantly referring to the 14-year age gap. Because it’s The Bachelor, that’s how you know the big reveal is coming. At dinner, the two speak in a series of clichés about being ready for a relationship and Arie sounds like an old man reflecting on his 20s. Bekah tells him she’s only 22 years old, and Arie’s unbridled shock as he sees the relationship crumbling before his eyes is hilarious.
After all, he did just realize he’s 63 percent older than her. He tells her he’s worried he’ll fall for her and that it’ll all fall apart at the end -- a reasonable prediction since most Bachelor relationships do fall apart. She asks if it would be worth it if that did happen, and Arie says matter-of-factly, “No because I need a wife.”
She challenges him again, saying “dump me for someone that’s a sure thing,” and he says “that thought crossed my mind.”
Ah, so romantic.
Their relationship is doomed, but Arie thinks about it for about 45 seconds and gives her a rose nonetheless.
Kendall is a liar
With the cocktail party canceled, we make it to the rose ceremony and Kendall is notably without a taxidermy duck on her shoulder. She has betrayed me emotionally.
Krystal pulls a last-minute power move and savagely takes Arie aside for a quick chat about how she’s there for him...something that should be obvious given the circumstances, but the here-for-the-right-reasons narrative is a staple of the Bachelor franchise.
Krystal gets the always-predictable last rose at the rose ceremony. My prediction: We’ve reached critical mass on this embarrassing sideshow and she’s gone next week.
Caroline and Brittany are sent home while nonfactors Ashley, Marikh, Jacqueline and Jenna remain.
The best part of the show comes during the closing credits -- no, not just because it means the show is over -- when Marikh accuses Chelsea of “glam-shaming” during the hike.
“I just want to be clear that I’ve always been pro-glam,” Chelsea says.
*Wait, seriously. Go listen to Perfect by Ed Sheeran featuring Andrea Bocelli.
I see you drifting toward the exit button on this article, so I'm going to just embed the song below. If you're on the WFAA mobile app and can't see the video, I can't help you. You'll just have to trust me and tap on this link.