With only a week's worth of shopping left, here's a wish list for all the Dallas Cowboys who make this season bite. From all of mine to all of yours, Jerry, thanks for the material. Jerry Jones: Next time he wants something in 3-D, he should catch Dr. Tongue's 3-D House of Stewardesses, a classic from the late, lamented SCTV series. Available on YouTube. Not only was John Candy funnier than Wade Phillips on the big screen, he doesn't make you wish you were watching Norv Turner instead. Wade Phillips: A rear-view mirror, so he can see Mike Shanahan coming this time. Jason Garrett: A do-over for passing up all those head coaching jobs. Tony Romo: An offense that plays to his strengths without putting him in Brett Favre mode. Marion Barber: A reason to do all that yakking and strutting after a carry. Felix Jones: A copy of Keyshawn Johnson's book, Just Give Me the Damn Ball!, which he should then read to Jason Garrett over steaming cups of cocoa. Cowboys' offense: More Jones; less Barber. And let's not worry if Jones will get hurt. What are you saving him for now? Water skiing? Besides, I have a history. Even before it was fashionable, I called for more Barber and less Julius Jones. Never mind that I once called for Drew Henson, too. DeMarcus Ware: A second thought and maybe even a third before he risks his long-term health on this sinking season. Flozell Adams: A rear-view mirror he can give Justin Tuck, so the Giants' defensive end can see him coming next time. Nick Folk: Someone else to blame for his kicking woes now that Mat McBriar is officially absolved. Jason Witten: An "Open for Business" sign he could wave in the end zone. Roy Williams: At least one more yard than T.O. Miles Austin: See Felix Jones. Mike Jenkins: More of the same. Quarterbacks keep throwing at him, even though he's playing the best cornerback for the Cowboys since Kevin Smith, maybe. As goofy as it seemed at the time, Phillips' initial refusal to name a starting cornerback and instead allow Jenkins and Orlando Scandrick to settle it on the field has turned out to be a good decision, if only because we can't be sure that Phillips would have gotten it right. Now if he'd just do the same at kicker. Keith Brooking: An A-plus for playing the perfect "C." Best leader on this team since Darren Woodson retired. More Jerry: Better programming for the Godzillatron. Look, I'm as big a fan of 40-foot tall cheerleader images as the next guy, but a young woman can only grin so long before her cheeks give out. How about running something on the big screen that might actually enhance the experience without risking plastic surgery? Like statistics. Ken Hamlin: Open early. A big, hearty welcome back, just in time to chase down the Saints' cadre of big, fast, athletic receivers. Respirator included. More Wade: A mute button for mean ol' Steve Dennis, who keeps asking tough questions. Despite all the brouhaha the Channel 11 reporter raised in the locker room last week when he implied the Cowboys weren't "winners" – a factor in my misguided decision to pick the Cowboys over the Chargers – they didn't do anything to prove Dennis wrong. Fake Wade: More appearances on The Ticket while he's still a local parody. Now he's as funny as Candy. The organization: Apologies for bringing up this whole December disaster story line, which has gone national. If we'd known it was going to be so embarrassing, we'd have written about something else. Like the 13 years it's been since the Cowboys won a playoff game. JerryWorld: A set of flagpoles for inside the stadium. One for the American flag, another for the Texas flag and a third for a white one, if this gets any uglier.
