Earlier this week, on Sportscenter, Jerry Jones may have made allusion to a surprising fate awaiting DeMarcus Ware. According to Jon Machota, over at the Dallas Morning News, Jerry phrased the problem this way:
“The Cowboys owner and general manager gave an example of one time getting off his personal plane and into a Ford Bronco at the airport. When a reporter questioned why Jones didn’t have a more expensive vehicle, Jones responded: “Well, in order to have a plane, you have to drive a five-year-old Bronco. You can’t have it all.”
Like all good-hearted men I am in spirit a scientist so I tried to see if this was true. I called up my accountant. After he finished laughing he assured me that I could not, in fact, have a plane and a five-year-old Bronco. In fact, surprisingly, he said I couldn’t have either.
Using my resourcefulness, I asked him if I could perhaps afford a five-year-old feral horse which has lived in the wild its entire life, according to the legal definition of bronco established in the case of Wikipedia vs. Google. He allowed that this might be possible, although he wasn’t sure where I could make such a purchase, and he suggested I might have to forgo some of the luxuries I’ve grown accustomed to, like hot water.
“Do you have a stable?” he asked, after a pregnant pause. “You should probably have a stable.”
“What, so if I want to have a plane I have to have a bronco AND a stable?”
“No, there’s no way you can have the plane. Forget about the plane. I can order you a wooden plank and you can go around talking about simple machines, or whatever, but I’m honestly surprised that you think you can afford McDonald’s at this point, let alone an equine.”
“So all I can get is a wild horse and if I want to do that I need to build an outbuilding to my apartment?”
“That’s about the size of it, yes.”
“Jerry was right,” I said mournfully. “You can’t have it all.”
“Well, he wasn’t really. I mean, HE can have it all. He’s a billionaire.”
My sigh filled the room.
“Hey,” I said finally, “do you think the Cowboys should cut DeMarcus Ware?”
“He’s obviously declined, but I think it depends on whether or not they can get him some help next year. I mean, given injuries, all any team had to do last year was figure out where Ware was and throw four people at him, it wasn’t exactly fair.”
“You always give me good advice, Gunther, thanks.”
“No problem. Do you want me to go ahead with this horse thing?”
“No thanks. I think I’m just going to go see that Sully Sullenberger movie and dream.”
“Sure, I understand. Oh, by the way.”
“Yes?” I heard the sound of a calculator clicking.
“Let’s just say I wouldn’t let them upsell you on the popcorn.”