Oh, American Idol hopefuls.

Now that the show is in its seventh season, you'll have to do more to impress the judges (and viewers) than ever before. It's like ice skating: In olden times, a sweet little single axel could take home gold. Now, you're going to need to quadruple that.

For those getting ready to line up at Texas Stadium for the big auditions (which officially begin at 8 a.m. Monday), it's not just your vocals that need to impress.History teaches us that many other variables go into a successful Idol audition. So if you want to be one of the lucky ones busting out of that room and hollering about going to Hollywood, do your homework first.

PICK AN IMAGE: From the minute they took their places in line, Fantasia, Ruben and even that Chicken Little guy had their personas locked in. You could almost hear the standouts give their personal shout-outs as they made their way in front of the judges: "I'm perky Jordin Sparks, and I sparkle!" Or, "Here I am, Taylor Hicks, a seemingly old man!" Even, "My name is Scott Savol, and I'm kind of frightening!"

FUN WITH MAKEOVERS: You might want to ugly yourself up a bit so that producers can spot something attractive underneath and want to transform you, à la Clay Aiken or Elliott Yamin. It's amazing what dollar-store glasses, a bowl-cut hairdo and high-water pants will do to make a person under.

THE NAME GAME: During Idol's first season, the top 10 included singers named A.J., RJ and EJay. This cannot ever happen again; that tires viewers' brains. Instead, you need to stand out from the get-go. It's best to be born a Constantine, Mandisa or Ace. But you're Bob Smith, you say? Well, hopefully your middle name is, say, Sasquatch. Then you're all set, Quatchy!

WHAT TO WEAR: Avoid wedding dresses, Elvis costumes and fishnet stockings. In fact, if there's anything that should be understated in your audition, it's your outfit. Remember what Kelly Clarkson wore to hers? Exactly: No. She had nondescript clothes, mega-descript voice.

WHAT NOT TO SING: For Pete's sake, don't do "Jesus Take the Wheel." Also steer clear of ditties by Ms. Clarkson, Daughtry and even Bucky Covington. Why bring on the comparisons? You will lose. Another song to veto: Simon's all-time favorite, "Unchained Melody." It'll be too easy for him to hate on, just for something to do. (Remember, people: It's season seven. They're bored.)

WHAT TO CONSIDER SINGING: If you've got a truly chill-inducing "Star-Spangled Banner" in you, go for it. At least you won't be yet another Mariah wannabe. Other underutilized possibilities: anything by the Beatles, George Strait, Sam Cooke, REO Speedwagon, Maroon 5, Guns N' Roses (How come nobody ever does "Sweet Child O' Mine"?), Ashlee Simpson. Seriously. Look at Blake Lewis: He not only beat-boxed right out of the gate, but he also picked "Crazy" by Seal. If he'd gone with the tried-and-true Stevie Wonder, we might never have heard from him again.

YOUR BACK STORY: Carrie Underwood had never been on an airplane. Phil Stacey was a Navy man with a pregnant wife in the hospital. Anthony Federov had that tracheotomy. No, you can't just make up an interesting history for yourself, as they'll fact-check. But if you happen to come from a crazy, scandal-ridden, infamous-about-town family, then hooray! (See Pickler, Kellie.)

YOUR BACK STORY, PART II: Reflect upon your police record before you bother driving to Irving. Do you really want to end up on www.thesmokinggun.com? (No.) Along those same lines, if you know someone who has, ahem, incriminating photos, invite yourself over, rummage through their belongings and destroy all evidence. Just don't get arrested for it.

IT'S TIME: Before you walk into that audition room, do what your mom always told you to do: Take a deep breath. After all, the next few seconds have the potential to change the entire course of your life. But no pressure.

MEETING THE JUDGES: Consider flirting. Humans – even famous ones – like flattery. Remember how Gina Glocksen giddily threw herself all over Simon last season? Smart girl. (But don't flirt too much. See Clark, Corey, and Abdul, Paula.) You might try buttering up Randy Jackson, who always attracts the fewest groupies. Say something like, "I derive so much insight from your 'Yo, yo, yo, check it out' commentary!" But only if you can do it with a straight face.

THE MOMENT OF TRUTH: If the judges are squabbling over your singing prowess, don't talk! It's like being on trial for murder; your lawyer wouldn't want you to keep butting in with additional info. No, it's best to just shut up as they deliberate. But do clasp your hands together and plead with your eyes. And when they say yes, burst into tears. We at home love that.

MAKING THE REJECTS REEL: Remember the girl who gained fame for riding in on a scooter? We'd roll our eyes at her antics today. Ah, it was a more innocent time.

Today, you'll have to be even crazier than that guy who acted like a panther last season. How about imitating a chimpanzee – who also just so happens to sing really well? That's something we don't see every year.

Song selection is another path to the bottom of the barrel. No one has ever walked into that room and said, "I'll be performing 'The Luv' from the From Justin to Kelly soundtrack." Other tunes to consider: "All My Exes Live in Texas," "Jenny From the Block" or "Mr. Roboto." But that's just a start. True awfulness requires brainstorming.

SPEAKING OF AWFUL: No ponyhawks, ever again. (See Malakar, Sanjaya.)

darlajatlas@yahoo.com