Each week, after watching The Bachelorette with my wonderful fiancée, I’ll share my perspective on the drama that unfolds as Dallas native Rachel Lindsay embarks on the unrealistic quest for Mr. Right.
I’m doing this for the guys out there who sacrifice their Monday nights during Bachelorette season. I’m doing it for people who want to laugh with me at the show. And, most importantly, I’m doing it for love.
Here’s what we saw in the second episode of week five of season 13. (This post contains spoilers. If you didn’t know that until this parenthetical, you should work on your context clues.) Don't see embedded photos, GIFS or tweets below? Go here.
The Kenny-versus-Lee, two-on-one showdown for the ages never truly was. As it turns out, the climax of that storyline was indeed when Kenny was walking down a hill laughing like a psycho at the end of Monday night’s episode.
That, or the hilarious string of cuss words he dropped on Lee at the start of the encore episode Tuesday night.
However you want to label it, what was billed as the season’s biggest drama was really an anticlimactic flop. Outside of the (likely) over-censoring of Kenny’s series of insults, there wasn’t even anything for me to joke about.
Lee tells one final bold-faced lie, saying he didn’t tell Rachel that Kenny pulled him out of a van -- something he very much did say -- and was gone just moments into the show.
Kenny’s reaction to coming out on top in the two-on-one? Delaying a helicopter ride with his purported crush to go and get the last word with Lee. It was a terrible decision for which Rachel would later call him out.
But then, because the show has nothing to do with the actual building of relationships, Rachel says Kenny is “there for her” and gives him a rose.
Ugh. There’s a weird montage of Kenny crying about his daughter, which becomes important later.
I’m still not sure who Matt is, but he gets the last rose at the rose ceremony. Josiah gets eliminated and goes on a rant about how he should’ve gotten the rose. And while he’s pretty insufferable and I think everyone is glad he’s gone, he makes some decent points.
“It’s just weird, the people that she kept in the house over me,” he says to the camera. “You think you can have a better chance with Matt than me? And I love Alex, the Soviet Union KGB spy… but you really think that KGB agent has something over mer?
“And I loooove Adam, but you think a guy that brings a doll that looks like Mike Myers is better than me? Woman, you have some poor judgment.”
Eric gets the one-on-one date he’s been jonesing for, and opens with a toast saying “I look forward to miracles.” Those are high expectations for a first date, and, spoiler alert: Nothing miraculous happened.
Over dinner, Eric describes himself as a “cool square” that never got in trouble before going on a super vague rant about how his mom never gave him love.
Rachel asks him to elaborate, but he chooses to speak in some more generalities.
“This,” he says, waving his hand emphatically between he and Rachel. “I never had this.”
I begin to wonder, did his mom ever speak to him? Did she never sit at a dinner table with him?
My friend JT points out that Eric looks a little bit like Dulé Hill, of Psych fame, and I’m distracted for the rest of the date. Dulé and Rachel leave entire, untouched, delicious-looking burgers on the table and then ride a roller coaster after dinner. Good thing they didn’t eat the burgers.
Next up for our bachelors is a viking group date, something ABC is fully committed to, as they got an actual viking boat as a means of transportation.
It’s a good thing Bryan is judged on his making out ability and not his rowing ability, because he’s terrible at it.
The group arrives at the location of the viking date, and an instructor there speaks pretty good English other than his pronunciation of “viking,” which he says as “wiking.” I can’t tell if it’s how he really talks or if he’s just all-in on the Old Norse bit, but either way I respect it.
The guys dress up and play a bunch of viking games, which are apparently different but all involve a pentagonal barrier on the ground, some shoving and a whole lot of testosterone.
Kenny’s bloody eye, which has been a part of ABC’s promos for the show for two weeks now, turns out to be from being accidentally hit in the face during a “battle” with Adam. I would’ve never been able to tell you it came from a viking shield to the dome, but I could see from a mile away that it didn’t actually come from a physical confrontation with Lee.
In the evening following the viking games, Bryan gives a vomit-inducing monologue about his and Rachel’s future. Matt speaks for what feels like the first time all season, and it’s brief and unimportant.
So long, Kenny
The end of the Kenny King saga comes without much fanfare, about 80 minutes into Week 5, Volume 2. Essentially, Rachel sniffed out the fact that Kenny misses his daughter more than he loves Rachel, so she tells him to go home.
Kenny is actually happy about this, it seems, and asks Rachel why she’s so smart and knows him so well. He FaceTimes his daughter again, and all I can think is how hard it’s gonna get for him in eight years when she leaves for college. Or in like three years, when being an annoying teenager and rebelling against her parents is the trendy thing to do.
‘I’m in wifey mode’
Rachel takes Will on the last one-on-one date of the week, and it spells a quicker fall from grace than I can remember in my time watching the Bachelor franchise.
The date starts with a lingering shot of an awful Swedish musician playing in the street, and that kind of set the tone for the day.
Up to this point, Will seemed like such a solid dude and a surefire final-four contender. And yet, almost from the beginning, Rachel talks about not connecting with him. “The most I get from him is holding hands, and even that’s a stretch,” she says, even though there is video proof that he was very much holding her hand.
Will claims to be a passionate guy, especially with physical intimacy, and it seals his fate. Rachel isn’t getting that vibe, so she kicks him to the curb.
Alex is the lone contestant left rose-less during the ensuing rose ceremony, and how is that even possible?? ADAM TAKES A MANNEQUIN EVERYWHERE HE GOES AND MATT HASN’T SPOKEN. The fact that these dudes are in the final six is a travesty, and shatters all logic in this spectacle of dating Darwinism.
I can’t wait to tune in next week, when Adam and Matt predictably get sent home because there is no other sensible option.
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