Each week, after watching The Bachelor with my wonderful fiancée, I’ll share my perspective on the drama that unfolds as Nick Viall, a veteran of the show, embarks on the unrealistic quest for Mrs. Right.
I’m doing this for the guys out there who sacrifice their Monday nights during Bachelor season. I’m doing it for people who want to laugh with me at the show. And, most importantly, I’m doing it for love.
Here’s what we saw in the finale. (This post contains spoilers. If you didn’t know that until this parenthetical, you should work on your context clues.) Don't see photos, GIFS or tweets below? Go here.
The finale consisted of a predictable amount of will-Nick-end-up-alone? clichés. I mean seriously, almost every one-on-one interview went by the same formula:
1. “Nick loves these two women”
2. It’s been difficult
3. I hope he doesn’t get rejected again
4. ANDI AND KAITLYN
After 10 weeks, we get it -- Nick has failed epically at relationships on a national stage. Neat.
Since there were only two women left, and a good chunk of the show was spent talking about Nick’s shortcomings in the past, I’ll spare you an in-depth play-by-play. ABC filled out its two hours of programming with a lot of Nick’s family of crybabies and, at almost every turn, people dressing irresponsibly in freezing cold weather.
Cry me a river
First, we meet Nick’s family for what seems like the 15th time. His mom’s use of “last season” in reference to Nick’s relationships, while talking to Raven, annoys me. Family members take turn talking about Nick could still end up alone. Most of them cry. Raven still alleges that she likes them.
Wham, bam, thank you fam.
Cry me a river, Part II
Vanessa, meeting the family for the first time, starts off with the killer story of when she puked in front of Nick in a zero-gravity airplane. She leaves out the part about them making out right afterward, so the family loves the story.
She talks to each of Nick’s parents. “Do you think Nick is rushing into this?” she asks his mother. Nah, two months is plenty of time to meet, date and propose to someone. *Eye roll.*
Nick’s dad gives a totally reasonable answer to one of Vanessa’s questions, which I dig, but then he starts bawling. I retroactively un-dig everything.
Finnish Santa Claus
After some QT with the family, we dive straight into Vanessa’s date with Nick. They ride horses through a snowy forest in Finland. Vanessa thinks the snow is “magical” despite being from Montreal, where the average annual snowfall is more than 82 inches.
(Jokes aside, the snowy forest does indeed look pretty magical.)
Then, in a bizarre choice for the couple’s final date before either breaking up or getting engaged, they meet with Santa Claus. We’re led to believe Finnish Santa Claus hangs out in a small cabin in the middle of nowhere -- it seems like we’re just one small plot twist from a legit horror movie scenario, but it’s whatever.
They ask this stranger with a large beard for "love" and "happiness" for Christmas, get a gift and go their separate ways.
Vanessa is the season’s perfunctory “I’m bothered by the fact that he has feelings for another woman” girl, which I find hilarious because that’s essentially the definition of The Bachelor.
She cries a lot, so she'll probably fit in with the family for however long she's with Nick.
Light sweaters and husky puppies
Raven and Nick go ice skating on a frozen lake, and this is the first egregious example of someone dressed entirely inappropriately for the weather. The show was filmed in Rovaniemi, Finland in the wintertime, when the average high temperature there hovers around 20-25 degrees.
And yet Raven and Nick skate jovially in light sweaters. They even LAY ON THE ICE. What?!
Their date is one of the top 10 cheesiest things in TV history, as a skating montage is accompanied by “Kiss Me” by Sixpence None the Richer playing over top of it. The discomfort is returning to my retinas from the eye rolls.
Nick casually brings out three husky puppies for the pair to play with, which is a solid move that I would definitely try out if I was still in the dating game. I do have a fiancée that deserves all the puppies, so I still might have to hit up the local husky puppy rental market.
Toward the end of Raven’s date, you really start to feel for her as she professes her love and “reassures” him she’s ready to spend her life with Nick -- for reasons unbeknownst to me -- and you get the sense ABC is building her up before they’re about to tear her down.
Seriously, can Raven get her coat back?
My favorite part of the whole show was definitely when Raven goes to see Nick for the final time. She takes off her coat when she gets inside whatever building they chose to have Nick propose in, and my fiancée says, “Oh, girl, don’t forget your coat on the way out.”
And, sure enough, she walks back out into the cold without her coat, wearing a sleeveless dress, after getting rejected.
Between the coat observations, Nick rudely makes Raven deliver another monologue about her undying love for Nick and readiness to take on life’s adventures with him before telling her he “loves her but is not in love.”
Vanessa, at this point clearly the winner, is the next to step out into the cold wearing a spaghetti strap dress with an aggressive amount of cleavage and a fur thing that covers roughly half of her arms.
She can totally tell she won the show, by the way, because she sees Raven’s coat still hanging on the wall when she walks in.
They tell each other they love each other, Nick proposes, Vanessa says yes, and Twitter explodes with reaction GIFs showing their disappointment.
Over before it began?
I had a rec league softball game late Monday night, so I didn’t catch the whole “After the Final Rose” episode. What I did have time to see, though, was Vanessa getting on and being unabashedly not pumped about the relationship.
“Some days are harder than others,” “It’s been challenging,” and what have you. It sounds like she begrudgingly plans to move to where Nick lives -- becoming the first in her family to leave Montreal, and likely to rejuvenate her own lackluster acting career.
The historic, dramatic, amazing “Bachelor first” on ATFR was not the Vanessa-and-Nick bombshell everyone probably hoped, but rather just Rachel getting to meet four of her future suitors on next season of The Bachelorette.
I called this
For the record, I had Vanessa as my final rose pick in week 1, and officially submitted her as my winner in Bachelor Fantasy in week 3.
What I also called, like three weeks ago, was that Finnair had to have thrown some advertising dollars to ABC for this season. The show spent its final three weeks in Finland, with weekly cutaways to Finnair jets taking off and landing.
At the end of the finale, there was a plug for the airline, saying, “travel provided by Finnair.”
I’m onto you, ABC sales people!
Copyright 2016 WFAA