The eagle has landed.
And by “the eagle” I mean Rachel inevitably picking the wrong guy, and by “landed” I, of course, mean that it happened.
After 10 arduous weeks of searching for love, Dallas native Rachel Lindsay has picked the winner of her heart and a lifetime of date roses (is that how that works?) and the runner-up is the real winner in everyone’s hearts.
In The Bachelorette season 13 finale, Peter’s maturity and rationale finally prove to be his demise. We see him both pour his heart out and give a shocking revelation about Rachel’s eyelashes during a first-of-its-kind live feedback during the finale.
Let’s get to it!
We start in the middle of a heavy conversation between Rachel and Peter, where we left off two weeks ago. He says he’s not ready to propose because he’s only known her for a few weeks, then swoons over the fact that Rachel gets emotional.
Peter pretends he hadn’t seen the fantasy suite card sitting on the table, reads the note allegedly written by Chris Harrison (which definitely isn’t written by Chris Harrison) and the two go off for an anticlimactic overnight stay together.
It’s clear that these two won’t make it, but ABC wants us to watch another hour of the show to see how it actually goes down, so we move on to Bryan’s date.
‘A different energy’
We get some glorified B-roll of Bryan and Rachel riding horses through the wine country in the Rioja region of Spain. It’s Bryan, so we don’t expect any substance, but literally nothing of significance is shown here.
Somehow, Bryan gleans “a different energy” from her during the day and decides to chat about it over dinner. He gets a the invite to the fantasy suite, where they no doubt made out for like 10 uninterrupted hours.
Bryan calls it “quality alone time” and says the chemistry was “hotter than ever,” further solidifying his status as a total douche.
A noisy dress
Less than halfway through the finale, we saw a pointless rose ceremony. Since it was obvious that Eric would be the bronze medalist here, I’ll focus on Rachel’s dress, which looked kind of like something the Red Knight would wear at Medieval Times.
It looked like someone took some of that plastic construction fencing, spray-painted it black and wrapped it around the arms of an otherwise-pedestrian red dress.
When she went to give Eric a hug, you could hear the dress clanking around. It was odd.
Eric says he’ll always love Rachel -- still weird after a two-month fling -- and it’s well received. He joins the live commentary and tells Rachel he was ready to propose.
Peter has a diary. Oh and Bryan went on another date
After a couple cheesy cutaway shots of Peter writing in a diary of some sort while sitting on a bed, we get to see Bryan’s final date.
It starts perfectly-timed hug right in front of the sun on the horizon, which, according to the yearly sun graph for La Rioja, would suggest the date either began before 7 a.m. or around 9:15 p.m. (the final episodes were shot in Spain in early May). Rachel apparently demands a brutal dating schedule.
Either that, or the hug was shot in the middle of the date and edited to be the beginning. Let's go with the brutal dating schedule though!
They go on a hot air balloon ride, and I don’t really remember what happened, but my friend Ashley grabbed a quick nap during the date. “Wake me up for the ending,” she said lethargically, pretty much perfectly summing up my feelings about Bryan.
‘I cried my eyelashes off’
Peter and Rachel explore a monastery to bide some time before the big talk that looms ahead. In the evening portion of their date -- which started well before 9:15 p.m., based on the sunlight -- they hash out Peter’s far-too-rational viewpoint on proposing.
In essence, Peter doesn’t think you can be certain enough to propose after two months and only a couple dates. Rachel disagrees and wants a proposal, because it’s The Bachelorette and LOVE IS FORCED, you guys.
Peter defines marriage as “football games, baseball games, and wine night with painting,” possibly setting up an endorsement deal with Painting with a Twist. He says the idea of marriage doesn’t scare him, but the idea of multiple marriages does. More points for Peter.
Rachel, wearing like 15 rings on one finger, says the whole process isn’t for him. Duh.
“Then go find someone you can have a mediocre life with,” Peter says because all of a sudden he’s a savage. He then wishes her the very best and they make out in typical Rachel goodbye fashion.
Rachel hits Chris Harrison with a sassy look when they go back to the live Q&A.
“I cried my eyelashes off,” Rachel says of that night with Peter.
He confirms the story by sharing that he “walked by her eyelashes on the floor for two days,” which is gross.
Peter proceeds to melt the hearts of every woman in the U.S. on live television during a grueling line of questioning from Chris Harrison. The interrogation extends through a commercial break as he pours his heart out about his journey with Rachel and the small piece of him that will always have feelings for her.
He apologizes for the “mediocre life” comment, which bums me out because that was straight fire and I loved it.
In another questionable fashion decision, Rachel’s final rose dress is held together by dental floss.
Bryan mentions a “chemistry bomb” between the two of them and the nerves behind my eyeballs still ache as of this writing from the eye roll.
With seemingly gale-force winds blowing at an abandoned castle, Bryan strings together his final series of clichés about his love for Rachel, and she predictably fawns over him. She volleys back some clichés, Bryan “1000 percent” accepts her final rose and the two are happily engaged.
Bryan re-proposes on the live show, giving Rachel the ring that for some reason she wasn’t already wearing, and the two are publicly engaged.
I give it until Christmas.
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