Each week, after watching The Bachelorette with my wonderful fiancée, I’ll share my perspective on the drama that unfolds as Dallas native Rachel Lindsay embarks on the unrealistic quest for Mr. Right.
I’m doing this for the guys out there who sacrifice their Monday nights during Bachelorette season. I’m doing it for people who want to laugh with me at the show. And, most importantly, I’m doing it for love.
Here’s what we saw in the first episode of week five of season 13. (This post contains spoilers. If you didn’t know that until this parenthetical, you should work on your context clues.) Don't see embedded photos, GIFS or tweets below? Go here.
There’s no better way to set up the action from the first night of a two-night event than to hit you with a quick list of the names Kenny calls Lee during this two-hour stretch of TV gold:
- "Disingenuous snake"
- "Dime store psychologist"
- "Short stack"
- "Southern piece of garbage"
- "Caricature of a man"
We pick up where we left off last week, in the middle of a bickering match between our two bachelors playing out the classic good-versus-evil archetype.
Lee emphasizes that he’s there to irritate people -- something he does quite well -- and Kenny calls him a b*tch about a half-dozen times. Will, who is too nice to be dragged into the Lee saga, confronts him about his use of the term “aggressive” in reference to Kenny.
Lee makes some offensive comments about “playing the race card” straight to Will’s face. Will doesn’t take the bait, and we put that drama on the back burner for a bit.
‘Ugh, he is the creepiest’
That subhead is a direct quote from my wife, whose opinion of Jack Stone took a 180-degree turn this week. She had him as a favorite to go far in the show...But that was before we were subjected to about 20 minutes of creepy smiles, awkward compliments and painful soliloquies about how great he feels around Rachel.
Essentially, Jack Stone’s perfect teeth are not enough to make up for the fact that he’s a major dweeb, and Rachel says she’s not feeling it. He gets the boot, and my face muscles are better off for it -- cringing is exhausting.
Then it’s on to a rose ceremony, before which Adam drops this beauty of a line: “She’s had a taste. She’s had a snack but I want to give her the whole kitchen.” If “a taste” includes the constant presence of a mannequin named Adam Jr., I’m not sure Rachel or the collective audience is ready for the kitchen, but that’s just me.
Because gossiping about other dudes isn’t a good way to pick up a girl, Iggy gets sent home. Jonathan, the “tickle monster,” is also booted, and he gives Rachel one last tickle “for the road.”
Rachel “isn’t messing around,” so she goes right into another one-on-one date with Bryan. For those who haven’t been following their love story closely, Rachel and Bryan make out a lot. And this date includes a make-out sesh while suspended about 100 feet in the air.
The two of them rappel down an Olympic ski jump in Oslo, Norway. The afternoon starts with both of them fretting the stunt, as if they didn’t have a choice to not do it.
After learning that the jump is 187 feet tall, Rachel makes a 187 reference, and I have no clue what it means. Apparently that’s slang for murder. Feel free to open with that factoid at your next social gathering -- actually don’t. Don’t do that.
Bryan, sitting awkwardly close to Rachel at the dinner table, tells her he’s falling in love with her and says he could see her being “his best friend for a lifetime.”
A quick reality check: It’s been five weeks, people.
Incorrectly worn jock strap
The rest of the guys -- sans Kenny and Lee -- go on a group date to play handball, a popular game in Norway. Peter picks her up multiple times and carries her around the court, which is definitely a foul according to the official handball rules.
Not much else noteable occurs, other than Dean -- the smiley fan favorite and legit contender for Rachel’s heart -- wearing a jock strap outside of his uniform, which isn’t how that works.
During the evening after handball, the guys get their usual one-on-one time with Rachel. She tells Josiah she would be weirded out by a clingy comment about the future, so Josiah proceeds to make a clingy comment about the future.
“I’d be remiss if I did not tell you, I honest-to-God believe that you are the woman for me,” he says. “The woman of my dreams … I just want to grow old with you.”
She then tells him she wants him to ask questions about her and not just recite stuff he’s read about her, and he goes on to ask zero questions.
Solid effort there, kid.
Peter spends an alleged three-and-a-half hours making out with Rachel in a hot tub, and I’m very concerned about the pruning that had to have been taking place.
Good versus Lee-vil
That’s how ABC is billing the epic two-on-one showdown between Kenny and Lee. It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for -- and really the only storyline of any sort that has developed in five weeks -- so naturally we only get to see the start before the now-infamous “to be continued” makes us wait another night.
What we’ve seen so far is Lee lifting weights in his cowboy boots to prepare for the date, then the group heading to a random field to chat.
Kenny and Lee spend their respective time with Rachel talking exclusively about the other person. From what we understand thus as viewers, Lee spews a bunch of lies about Kenny’s behavior. He says he “might get a punch in the jaw, but no complaints.”
The episode ends with Kenny approaching Lee in the aforementioned field, laughing like a crazy person. He says Lee is about to “get washed under in a tide of realness.”
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