You may not believe it, but even at the advanced age of 68, I still go out to a pumpkin patch every year, pick one out, and take it home and carve it.
I've done this throughout my whole adulthood — even the years I lived alone in a dank apartment without children, hot water, or hope. It always cheers me up.
I learned that the hard way that you have to have the proper tools for pumpkin-carving.
Get yourself one of those store-bought pumpkin carving kits. It really makes a difference, especially if you are toughing it out with a butter knife like I used to.
After good tools, you need a good design. For example, let's say you want to make a really scary pumpkin and live in a predominantly Republican area. Well, here's a design that will put the fear of higher taxes into your neighbors:
What if you live around Democrats and you want them to have recurring nightmares? How about this?
Maybe you don't want to scare anyone. Maybe you just want to commemorate that feeling you had the morning after you celebrated the Rangers' victory over the Rays. This is perfect:
And if you are looking for the scariest pumpkin of all to prank Channel 8 executives, put this one on their porch:
And if all of these designs seem too hard or too much work, remember: You can always just slap a wig on your pumpkin and call it Snooki.