The Texas Rangers and San Diego Padres played a baseball game, of sorts, on Monday night. By the time you finish reading this paragraph, you will have spent the same amount of time reading this article as it would have taken you to watch the entirety of the Rangers’ offensive highlights for the evening. Here, I will spoil this spellbinding and heart-stopping thriller for you: Carlos Gomez hit a bloop single that Corey Spangenberg probably should have caught in the 4th inning. In the 7th inning, Shin-Soo Choo let Spangenberg off the hook by hitting a home run. That’s it: 2 hits.

Perhaps we should count Elvis Andrus’ two walks as one of the highlights? Who even knows. Everything is upside-down right now. 

Nick Martinez struggled a fair amount in the early going, allowing two runs in the second inning as seven Padres came to bat, and two more on solo home runs in each of the third and fourth innings, but he also retired the last eight batters he faced to finish his night having given up 4 runs on 8 hits in 6 innings pitched. He also struck out 4 and walked just one. 

Well, we have talked about all the interesting things that happened in this game, so now let’s talk about the rest of it:

The Rangers struck out 13 times. That’s eight games out of nine in which the team has struck out in double-digits. Rougned Odor came to bat four times and didn’t send a ball out of the infield.

In the second inning, Carlos Gomez stole second base, but appeared to think the combination of “ball getting slightly away from the shortstop” and “Trevor Cahill is about 40 feet from third base” was enough to break for third.

It was not.

Score that one 2-6-1-6, after the rundown.

In the top of the fifth, Choo walked (This is one thing the Rangers offense did well tonight: accept the free pass. They walked five times, each coming from Cahill). Nick Martinez–batting because the National League is a luddite collection of ghouls who hate pitchers and love injuries–attempted to bunt him over.

He failed.

Choo, being a responsible adult and a good teammate, stole the base himself.

Delino DeShields struck out anyway.

In the seventh inning, Corey Spangenberg, who had not homered all year, hit a home run off Alex Claudio, who had not allowed a home run to a left-handed hitter in about a year.

You may have tuned out by now. Or perhaps you’re thinking “Are all the remaining notes so depressing and dumb?” [flips through game notes]

Yes-- no wait, no! There's one good one. Keone Kela worked a scoreless 8th inning, getting the first two outs on just three pitches. The third batter, Jabari Blash, hit a ball that looked like a long home run, but was just a foul ball. Kela struck him out. It's the little victories, you know? 

[flips through game notes] look, there’s another game at 2:40pm on Tuesday, let’s just put this one to bed and look forward to that.