Each week, after watching The Bachelor with my wonderful fiancée, I’ll share my perspective on the drama that unfolds as Nick Viall, a veteran of the show, embarks on the unrealistic quest for Mrs. Right.
I’m doing this for the guys out there who sacrifice their Monday nights during Bachelor season. I’m doing it for people who want to laugh with me at the show. And, most importantly, I’m doing it for love.
Here’s what we saw in episode 10. (This post contains spoilers. If you didn’t know that until this parenthetical, you should work on your context clues.) Don't see embedded photos, GIFS or tweets below? Go here.
This week involved what seems to be dangerous cold exposure, a lot of I-love-yous and some controversy over what constitutes a nap. We saw one hour of regular Bachelor goings-on, followed by two action-packed hours of "Women Tell All."
Skipping through the streets
We pick up in the morning after Raven’s stay in the fantasy suite with Nick. She uses a few euphemisms to imply they had sex and that she was… um… “satisfied” like she allegedly had not been before.
Then there’s a cheesy montage of her skipping through the streets of Finland. I thought that, by this point in the season, the show was supposed to at least pretend it’s serious. But I guess not.
Great start, ABC.
In what has to be the swan song for Rachel, already named the next Bachelorette, she and Nick go cross-country skiing before a long conversation about how much they like each other. Nick tells her “the only way to make it work” is to get out of your own head, which is hilarious because he has never actually “made it work” in his many go-rounds in televised love.
He pretty much forces her to say she loves him, and she says Nick is “the man she’s supposed to be with,” and I let out a sad chuckle at the irony.
Rachel emerges from the fantasy suite the next morning wearing a penguin onesie. And hey, she ain’t gonna win this thing...but if you can get some while wearing penguin PJs, that has to be a moral victory.
Hypothermia is the tie that binds
Vanessa’s one-on-one time with Nick involves the two trying their very best to catch hypothermia. They sit in a sauna, then run to hop into a freezing ice pond, and repeat that cycle over and over again. Vanessa starts off feeling leery about it, but is weirdly pumped about the experience by the end.
The two then get into a hot tub to regain thermal equilibrium and have a serious chat. Vanessa asks Nick the questions she should’ve been asking for the last nine weeks and challenges Nick on “core values” and whatnot.
Nick waffles between how different and how similar they are while giving zero good answers. Vanessa says she wants to feel like she’s “the only one that exists” and that Nick “can’t picture himself with anyone else.”
Both are unlikely, because he’s dated like 35 girls on national television -- including three at the very moment she said that -- and had at least one other fling off camera, all in the last couple years.
Still, Vanessa says she’s in love with Nick and wants to spend her life with him. Sigh.
Since this was only a one-hour show, we’ve already made it to the rose ceremony. Nick walks out, cries like a little baby and then gives roses to Vanessa and Raven in a predictably dramaless fashion.
We can finally stop pretending Rachel as a Bachelor contestant is a thing. Yay.
Some naps are different than others
The “Women Tell All” episode was a brutal two-hour production. But lucky for you, I sat through it. So if you’re one of the lucky ones that missed it Monday night, I’ve got your back.
We start with the women yelling at each other for no real reason. Then they yell at each other about what constitutes a nap. Then they yell at each other over more Taylor-versus-Corinne drama. Then some of them cry while asking Nick why it didn’t work out for them.
You’re pretty much caught up at this point, but I’ll delve into a couple other key moments.
Corinne gave us some perspective on her nanny, Raquel. It turns out Raquel has been there for the family through some hard times, including Corinne’s mother battling ovarian cancer. Corinne calls her a nanny because “she would never call her a cleaning lady.”
This is the first time I have even a shred of respect for Corinne, and it’s a weird feeling. She gives everyone in the audience cheese pasta, and the mood is jovial.
Kristina hits everyone in the feels with another rendition of her story about growing up in a Russian orphanage and now “living her life in color.”
Liz is unable to provide any solid rationale for ghosting Nick for nine months after JADE AND TANNER’S WEDDING, but is able to change the subject and deliver a tearful monologue about loving yourself, so that’s neat.
My biggest takeaway, though, was that she has a massive tattoo in the middle of her back that I didn’t notice when she was on the show.
You learn something new every day.
We end with one woman asking Nick if he found the love he was searching for on the show, and he says we’ll “have to tune in” to the finale next week. ABC is really playing up the possibility that he ends this show alone, which would be equal parts depressing and hilarious.
Bachelor fantasy? Sweet!
I need to admit in this space that we are all human. Even a regular-guy-turned-Bachelor-guru can forget to fill out his Bachelor Fantasy picks. I’m sorry I’ve failed you, but promise that I’ll be back with a vengeance for the finale.