The action-packed hometown week saw everything from gong meditation, to death threats to a stolen umbrella.
“Hahaha there’s no way that’s true, Landon,” You the Reader say jovially. Ah, but indeed it is true.
It also saw Rachel give each of the four remaining guys the exact same koala-bear-style hug with some sort of picturesque backdrop, because scripted love is the best kind of love.
Let’s get to it.
I’m breaking the chronological approach I typically use in this space because Dean’s hometown date -- and specifically his dad -- were the talk of the internet this week.
Rachel and Dean ride ATVs through a field and sit on some bales of hay, but no one cared because we all just wanted to see the reunion with his dad -- a prospect that “terrifies” Dean.
We learn that his dad, formerly Harold Unglert, now goes by Paramroop Khahsa, which allegedly means “divinely beautiful.” Dean says the self-given name “speaks to his character.”
Now, Dean asked in an Instagram post for people to not criticize his father or the Sikh lifestyle, and I’m a nice guy so I won’t.
Hometowns are 2 days away! ..and I'm asking for a favor: when I said my father was eccentric, I was not referring to his Sikh faith or the turban he wears on his head. I'm not asking you to spare his feelings (or mine) but instead to be cognizant and accepting of the millions of people that belong to the Sikh community. Although he and I are not close, I respect my father’s decision to follow his heart and pursue the life he has chosen. Let us not criticize him for his appearance or his beliefs because by doing so we are disparaging an entire faith and culture that includes millions of people. And I know we are all better than that. That is all (for now) #endrant HAPPY SATURDAY PEOPLE 💜
A post shared by Dean Unglert 🌹 (@deanie_babies) on
Family time at the Unglert/Khahsa house includes some gong meditation, a lot of time on the floor because they don’t own a table, and the consumption of some mung beans that frankly look like vomit.
The emotional roller coaster begins when Paramroop makes a touching gesture with feathers that symbolize his late wife. It escalates when he and Dean have a heated conversation about him bailing on Dean when she passed away.
Dean says his dad left him at his most vulnerable time. Paramroop doesn’t understand Dean’s anger, and basically says all he knew how to do at the time was work and make money for the family.
The conversation turns to Paramroop’s account of his wife dying, and it’s pretty painful to hear. I’m not sure whose side I support more, until Rachel’s encounter with Paramroop.
She asks if she can talk to him, to which he responds “if you must.” Mid-conversation, he says “this doesn’t work” and bails on the chat because of Dean’s “harsh feelings” toward him. World-class parenting.
Love by abandonment
For a couple weeks, Eric had built his family up to be a broken, dysfunctional group and the part of Baltimore where he grew up to be a rough place. His mother wasn’t there for him, he has relatives in prison and he’s never brought a girl home.
But for his hometown date, we were taken to a nice apartment in what seems like a nice part of town, and we meet a friendly group of people excited to meet Eric’s “first love.”
Eric says roughly 13 times that he’s been “running from love” and that he’s finally found it in his six weeks and one date with Rachel.
Among the cast of characters we meet is Ralph, who gives an emotional endorsement of his Eric, who he calls his “A1” and “the truth,” on a basketball court. We also meet Eric’s aunt, who is a spunky lady that looks just like him, and his mom, who does not.
His mom tells him that her not being there for him growing up was her “best way to show him love” and to “let him become the man he’s supposed to be.”
Eric somehow buys that terrible excuse for bad parenting and everything ends on good terms between them.
At the end of the date, Eric says he “really loves” Rachel, and in explaining that feeling he pretty much just says that he cares about her.
‘If he’s not happy, I’ll kill you’
Rachel heads to Miami to meet Bryan’s family, but not before they play dominoes and make out a bunch. She fawns over his Spanish just moments before he uses the wrong tense of “bienvenido” to welcome her to his hometown.
They get a couple of arepas, and Bryan, trying his best to sound cultured, says “I see they’ve stuffed it with shredded beef” when it’s clearly stuffed with shredded beef.
We meet his mother, clearly a helicopter parent who still has some sort of Oedipus complex with her baby boy (who I’ll remind you is 37 years old). She chugs her drink after a toast, and proceeds to go HAM in her one-on-one conversations.
GET IT TOGETHER OLGA pic.twitter.com/P7A3h3evcT— Michelle Collins (@michcoll) July 18, 2017
“You’ve gone out with so many girls, and you go on a show and fall in love with the girl on the show?,” she questions of Bryan. He responds by saying it’s “destiny” and I gag because I didn’t know “destiny” was going on a second reality show after your stint on a show called “Players” proved fruitless.
His mom tells Rachel that, if Bryan is happy, she’s happy. And if he’s not, she’ll kill Rachel, because death threats are the tie that binds a girl and her boyfriend’s family.
Bryan’s cousin seems nice, but I can’t focus on what she’s saying because she constantly has her head tilted about 15 degrees above what's normal.
Rachel says Bryan gives her “all the feels,” because that’s what infatuation is like.
Accidental butt grab
In Peter’s hometown of Madison, Wis., we start by hearing him say he wants feedback from his friends and family before he’s ready to propose after six weeks, proving that Peter has too mature of a perspective to win the final rose.
He talks about “the feels” and I just don’t get why people are saying that on this show.
With his family, Peter chooses to tell the story of how he accidentally grabbed Rachel’s butt -- a killer first impression for the girl meeting the family for the first time. But alas, no one cared because everyone was too busy swooning over Uncle Peter playing with his niece.
“If he brings you home, we know it’s serious,” Peter’s sister says, failing to realize that it’s very much a scripted show and the hometown date just happens to be the next step.
His mom tells Rachel that Peter is ready to start a family and to commit to someone, but not necessarily to propose… This is a point of concern for Rachel, who says she wants a proposal at the end of this. So, starting a family out of wedlock probably isn’t in the cards for ol’ Peter.
Dean gets booted at the rose ceremony because he definitely needed more emotional turmoil after the reunion with his father that tore open the wounds of his mother’s death.
But hey, he scored a sweet umbrella out of the deal. The clear umbrella that Rachel was carrying in Miami with Bryan ends up in Aspen, Colo. with Dean, and he keeps it as Rachel drives away after their hometown.