In Week 2 of Arie Luyendyk's race for relevance, we saw him try to buy one woman's happiness, take another home on a private jet to meet his parents, and maybe give another girl debilitating whiplash -- a strong start on the dating scene.
Along the way, we hear a really-hard-not-to-laugh story about one girl's traumatic bumper car experience, and the weekly dose of drama over the dreaded interruptions.
Gasp! Let's get right to it:
We start out with Arie riding up on a motorcycle. Someone says “Arie is on his way” and for some reason the women scream in shock like they don't know how this show works yet.
Becca K. gets the first one-on-one date of the season. I have to look her up because I don't remember who she is. She goes on a motorcycle ride through the rolling hills of California and says “we're not in Kansas anymore,” which I hate because she's from Minneapolis. Her encore to that stupid comment was saying “it's been amazing so far,” 15 minutes into the date. They must've had some really quality conversation on the motorcycle.
Their date appears to be at some kind of empty house, where the couple is met by Rachel Zoe. I don't know who that is, but her appearance was met with an odd mix of jealousy and glee from my wife, so I assume she's a big deal. Arie has Becca try on a bunch of expensive dresses while he snacks on desserts, and, surprise!, he lets her keep all of them. He tops it off with a pair of roughly $1,300 Louboutins.
He says “I don't really drink champagne, I usually just spray it,” a nod to celebrating after a race, even though I can only find evidence of one career win on any major racing circuit.
The girls basically start crying at the house when Becca comes in with a year's salary worth of dresses, jewelry and shoes. In classic Bachelor fashion, Arie and Becca talk primarily about past relationships and heartbreak over dinner.
'Smitten like a kitten'
Krystal gets the second one-on-one date, part of which I probably missed because I muted my TV so I didn't have to hear her voice.
Arie flies her on a private jet to his hometown of Scottsdale, Ariz. That's right, he had access to a private jet and a free pass to anywhere in the country, and he chose Scottsdale, Ariz.
He takes her to his house to watch home videos of him as a kid. “I can't even watch,” he exclaims, even though he's the one that flew her 400 miles to his house and put the video on the television.
Krystal then gets to see Arie's mom and dad, because meet-the-parents time is always after about two hours in most successful relationships. It's worth noting here that Arie's mom is more than likely Krystal traveling back in time from the year 2049.
She tells a sad story about her homeless brother at dinner because uplifting topics of conversation aren't allowed at dinnertime on The Bachelor. Some no-name artist serenades them and they dance awkwardly.
Krystal says the home videos were her favorite part of the date -- just what a guy wants to hear after renting a private jet, treating the girl to a swanky dinner and getting her a private concert.
Since we have to make multiple references each week to Arie's racing career, the group date -- with 15 girls -- is a demolition derby. And I'm gonna be honest, it looks like a blast-and-a-half.
The girls get to graffiti their own cars before smashing into each other -- hat tip to ABC for the “bashelor” pun by the way. One girl spells “b*tches” without an E, which is disappointing.
The most hilarious moment of Week 2 comes from Annaliese, who shares a story from her youth:
“This is my worst nightmare. I just like, when I was a kid I was like -- I was doing bumper cars and I just remember like just getting trapped in the middle and everyone just kept hitting me, and I was just crying and I hated it,” she says as the network plays a cheesy reenactment montage. “I just hear like that [bumper cars music] and the mirrors and the lights, and everyone just kept hitting me and hitting me. I just remember being like so alone and so scared. It was just like a traumatic experience. I hated it.”
Another girl says it “won't stop me from hitting her car,” because fueling another person's PTSD is the fastest way to a man's heart.
Brittany doesn't feel well in the evening, which I hear happens when you're most likely concussed from being smashed into by 14 other amateur drivers in a mud pit.
Sienne wins the demolition derby and drinks milk on top of the car like racecar drivers do. She then brings it to a literal fireside chat with Arie. You know, since warm milk is so romantic.
'A big a** hole'
It's cocktail hour time, when 21 women are put in the same room with alcohol competing for Arie's time. Krystal goes Stage 5 clinger and interrupts multiple conversations to get a few extra minutes with the guy she's in love with after one date.
Bibiana, clearly one of the more unstable ladies in the bunch, flips a lid and drops a series of awful one-liners:
• “You need to check yourself first before you try to check on other people”
• “You just dug a big a** hole for yourself.”
• “I think you really need to take some time, maybe tomorrow, do your little workout, meditate a little and reflect on what you just did.”
• “There are a lot of angry people here and I'm just a voice. Aaaaaand, mic drop.”
She then storms out of the room and drops a death threat… A classy finish.
At that moment, I correctly predicted Bibiana would get the last rose in the rose ceremony. Jenny doesn't get a rose and walks right past Arie on her way out, passing on the customary hug. He catches up to her, only to be told “I'm not sad about you, I'm sad about leaving my friends.”
We end with an outtake showing Kendall talking to Arie about a pickled bat and a taxidermy seal, about which I don't really know how to provide additional commentary.